Brazen Backyard Blunders
By Aphrodite Beamish
Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005.
BRAZEN BACKYARD BLUNDERS
-- Or, how to avoid doing things you shouldn’t being doing in your backyard --
By Aphrodite Beamish, a half-witted, hey-nonny-nonny harridan and makeover maven of bliss-challenged, breathtakingly bewildering if not botched-up backyards of America
The dog days of summer are clearly upon us, judging from the plethora of pesky pets and people gadding about in the nooky-conscious neighborhoods of America.
Statistics say, (and you known those nifty numbers never lie), that seven out of ten Americans prefer to spend their leisure time lollygagging at home rather than lusting out and about in the dens of impropriety and iniquity. So, if the ‘moral majority’ is just a tad hot and bothered this summer, it’s not surprising that 84% also want to “revitalize their outdoor living space” (provided they haven’t gone bankrupt remodeling the kitchen and renovating the bathroom).
For those with decadent dreams and a dismal credit rating, the following advice will warm the cockles of your heart (more than a new hot tub, patio heater, or a blinking barbecue).
Here are the top ten things not to do in your backyard this summer:
1. Do not make your back nine more “wilderness-friendly”, (we already have far too many Big Birds, Pink Elephants, and One-Eyed-One-Horned-Flying-Purple-People-Eaters schlepping around sampling pet bowls for freebie eats and drinks than urban dwellers can cope with).
2. Avoid extreme fantasy recreation or humungous backyard sports (like Tiddlywinks’ Tournaments, Toe-Wrestling Competitions, and Classic Hopscotch Games which cause far too many injuries to adults who enjoy acting like kids, Billy goats, and jungle-gym bunnies).
3. Squelch the need to showcase one’s nincompoop avocations, (whether they involve the storage of rusted relics or recycled refuse including pitted pick-up trucks, beaten-up bikes, limp lawn-mowers, well-worn what’s-its, whatever’s, and whatnots).
4. Hold off on organizing a “Backyard Blue-Movie Night”, (unless you’re ready to provide oodles of finger foods, fizzy drinks, and fashion eye-wear for Freedom-Fifty-Five Club members).
5. Refrain from erecting pretentious potties, outrageous outhouses, or loud latrines to experience that “happy camper”
|
3-Point Hitch Tractor-Mounted Top-Discharge DR® Chipper Wood Chipper Shredder
Mounted on the
back of your tractor, the 3-Point Hitch DR®
CHIPPER goes wherever you need it to, for
quickly clearing your property of unsightly
brush piles and woody material up to 4-1/2"
thick. With a top-discharge feature, the 3-Point
Hitch model DR® CHIPPER can easily expel chips
into a pickup truck bed, a large cart or wagon,
or even into a wooded area or field.
The head of the
chute can be angled down, for filling a truck
bed or for creating a large pile of chips. Angle
the head of the chute up and chips are dispersed
evenly over a large area. It can also be rotated
side to side. Constructed of heavy gauge steel
with a 35-pound flywheel.
Tractor Horsepower:
19 HP to 45 HP
Tractor
Mounting:
Fits category 0 or 1 three-point hitch
PTO Details:
Quick-attach, shielded PTO shaft for 1-3/8"
6-spline PTO with clockwise rotation
PTO RPM:
540
feeling of days gone by, (unless you also want to provide your high-and-mighty neighbors with clothes pegs for their noses).
6. Exercise caution in conducting “controlled barbecue burning”, (unless of course you have a comprehensive insurance policy that covers carcinogenic-cooking incidents).
7. Forget about mulching and manure spreading to improve the productivity of your carnivorous plants, (you already have one too many Venus Flytraps as it is).
8. Steer clear of pools, ponds, and pinking shears (you haven’t learned to walk on water yet and Green Thumb pruning is not exactly your forte unless “limbless” is in this year).
9. "Creative Taxidermy" has its place, (but erotic garden ornaments of titillating trolls, pleasant pixies, and feisty frogs is probably not such a great idea in your neck of the woods).
10. Dodge the notion of building a backyard bunker to escape the bothersome bugs (be they pesky pets, petulant people, or plague-challenged pests… just tell everyone and everything you don’t like to “Buzz Off” or you’ll be obliged to call in the folks from RAID).
So now that you’ve got the TOP TEN DON’TS …get cracking on what you can do with your boring backyard. After all, anything is better than living another day with that egads eyesore! And before breaking out the booze to celebrate your fun-loving fantasyland, BEWARE OF BACKYARD BOZOS - BUNGLING IS AS BUNGLING DOES.
About the Author
Aphrodite Beamish, a lost soul of sorts, can be found flapping around in her own flights of fancy together with some very vapid vagabonds at the Court of the Quipping Queen http://www.quippingqueen.blogspot.com/
|
Merry Mac Tow-Behind Wood Chipper Shredder - 18 HP, Model# SC183-16VEM
The
professional's top choice for lawn and garden
clean up! Ideal for growers and landscapers, for
municipalities, corporate grounds, campuses,
parks and golf courses. 48 shredding hammers
make it possible to level the brush from a 60ft.
tree in 55 minutes. Includes: 1 1/4in. bar
screen. Electric start. Highway-towable. Truck
ship. U.S.A.
Overall
Rating:
5 / 5
Order the Merry Mac 18 HP Tow-Behind Wood
Chipper Shredder...
We strive to provide only quality articles, so
if there is a specific topic related to
wood chipper shredder that you would like us to
cover, please contact us at any time.
And again, thank you to those
contributing daily to our compost records website.
|
|
|
